Arkansas had a good week to talk about when the latest SEC Roll Call dropped.
A 34-6 win over Tulsa gave the Razorbacks something they haven’t had much of lately, which is a reason to smile.
This episode drops every league school into an HR meeting. The company’s picking a new healthcare plan, and everybody has to list what’s wrong with them.
The Razorbacks’ list was short.
“I just had my best game all season,” the Hogs said.
Nobody jumped up to congratulate them. “That is a very low bar to clear,” one voice shot back.
It’s hard to argue with that. Still, Arkansas wasn’t handing back the win.
The Hogs explain the Tulsa game
Then Arkansas tried to describe the game, and things got weird.
“They pretty much let me do whatever I wanted to him,” the Razorbacks said. “Then I cut him a check and told him good night.”
That check line is a joke about the kind of game this was. Tulsa got paid to play and left with a loss.
At least one listener got lost. “Wait, are we still talking about football?” someone asked.
Arkansas stuck with it. “They tried all night to get a grip on my hogs,” the Hogs said.
“Still not clear,” came the answer.
Whatever it meant, Tulsa finished with six points and never found that grip.
Other schools need more coverage
Most of the league needed a lot more help from the plan than Arkansas did.
Texas A&M had it worst. The Aggies were diagnosed with battered Aggie syndrome, which HR ruled self-inflicted.
A&M blamed LSU for bullying it. Its deductible came out to about $54 million.
Mississippi State brought cowbell news. The Bulldogs broke a noise record, although someone noted they’re the only school allowed to ring cowbells to begin with.
State’s other habit worries everybody. It creeps up late in the fourth quarter and then finishes you off.
Before it does, it leans in and says, “Y’all be safe, have a good night and be smooth.”
Auburn had been buying up toilet paper. HR guessed stomach trouble and circled it, but the Tigers wanted it for rolling Toomer’s Corner after beating an SEC team at home.
Auburn, it was decided, is “mildly competitive again.”
Vanderbilt and Alabama get their turn
Vanderbilt’s condition wasn’t even on the form. HR had to write in Diego deficiency disorder by hand.
The Commodores tried to stay upbeat. They said they’re at “a quality loss” stage now.
Nobody knew what that meant, so HR circled delusional too.
Alabama came up a couple of times. One school saw an “S” on its schedule and figured it stood for a surprise rematch with the Crimson Tide.
Another school broke its hand punching an Alabama player, in the helmet. HR said stupidity was already covered.
And one team still can’t throw the ball. That counts as a pre-existing condition, and it got worse when an arm fell off during the meeting.
Gators bring bad news to the room
Just when the paperwork looked done, somebody admitted to having something contagious.
Florida’s hungry again. The rest of the SEC calls that Gator bait, and there’s no cure for it.
HR’s last move was to write down migraines.
Compared with all that, Arkansas got off easy.
Other schools left with detached arms, cowbell hearing loss and a Florida outbreak to worry about.
The Hogs walked out with a win over Tulsa and a short form.
