Arkansas finally won a football game Saturday, beating Tulsa 34-6.
Apparently, that doesn’t count as good behavior.
The SEC Shorts mediocre team prison episode dropped Monday morning, and the Razorbacks are still stuck in a cell with Auburn. Nobody even stopped by to check on them.
A few programs got to walk out this week. The Hogs weren’t one of them.
Tough crowd. Arkansas won by 28.
Fair or not, one lopsided win over Tulsa wasn’t going to sway the skit writers. It sure didn’t sway the guards.
Florida’s long sentence comes to an end
Florida got the first release. The charges read aloud say the Gators have been locked away since 2021 for “reckless mediocrity and egregious coaching hires,” which is about as honest a summary of the last five years in Gainesville as you’ll find anywhere.
On the way out, they collect the personal items they came in with. They’re also handed a VIP pass to a Tim Tebow self-help seminar.
Florida says no thanks.
“You’re a free man. Enjoy the top 25,” the guard tells them.
Texas can’t help itself and throws a party on Florida’s behalf. It runs long enough that the guard offers a tip about working in a figure eight before shutting the whole thing down.
Hogs fans would settle for a much smaller party. They’d just like to see the door open.
New inmates check in
Fresh arrivals come through next, and South Carolina leads the line. “Back so soon, huh?” the guard asks.
The Gamecocks hand over a defensive star with a mean attitude and an offensive player who gets tagged as an “alleged generational talent.”
Then came the Connor Shaw shot. “They don’t grow Connor Shaws on trees anymore.”
South Carolina’s projected release date is two coaching cycles from now.
Texas A&M is a different case. The Aggies turn in a pile of cash and more stars than the guard can count, and they’re already dreaming about better days. “Y’all just wait till the Strait of Hormuz reopens. I’ll be real flush then.”
Because they’ve got tradition, money and a loyal fan base, the guard offers them a shortcut. Change quarterbacks and walk.
Oklahoma’s bag is lighter. It holds one loose football and a two-year contract extension for Brent Venables signed back in the preseason.
Somebody in crimson swears the paperwork belongs to someone else. “That ain’t mine.”
Mississippi State gets its cowbell back
The day’s real shock came near the end. “I never thought I’d see the day,” one guard says as Mississippi State’s name gets called.
Out comes the cowbell. On the way to the exit, the Bulldogs can also grab their top 20 ranking, their old-school interlocking MSU logo and their Guinness World Record for the most cowbells rung at once.
There’s a going-away gift too. It’s two free tickets to SEC Shorts Live at Bettersworth Auditorium in Starkville on Friday, Nov. 13.
Kentucky gets out as well, though it leaves wearing an ankle monitor. “We don’t want you getting too far, you know, just in case.”
Renasant Bank sponsored the episode.
Starkville’s getting a live show. Fayetteville’s getting another week in the cell block.
What it’ll take for the Hogs to get out
Arkansas fans watching this probably noticed their team never got a scene.
Look at how Florida got out. The Gators had to crack the top 25 first, and Mississippi State walked with a top 20 spot in hand.
That’s the bar. Tulsa didn’t clear it for the Razorbacks, and nobody really expected it to.
The Hogs will need some SEC wins to earn a hearing. Until then, the block’s getting crowded, with South Carolina, Texas A&M and Oklahoma moving in down the hall.
Somebody should ask what time they serve breakfast.
